Ahhh. Argh! I grimaced in pain as I lifted my arm attempting to carry out the most mundane task.
I had just spent nearly 2 hours ironing a week’s worth of clothes.
And the space between my shoulder blades is on fire. It literally feels like if I reach my hand back there for a touch, flames will lick my fingertips. There is a twisting and wrenching as if a giant turnkey has been thrust between my blades and a powerful hand is turning, turning, turning the crank to wind me up, stretching the muscles beyond reason, tearing flesh right from the bone.
In this intense pain, I continue to muscle through, intent on hanging the clothes.
You see, I have to get this work done.
I hide my face from my children because you see; I don’t want them to see me in pain.
I premeditate in my mind that when my husband returns from work, I will hide the pain from him too.
All the while it takes every fiber of my being to not break down in tears from the intense burn.
Walking away from the clothes, I look at the flames licking in my fireplace and think, “What a great portrait of what’s occurring in my back right now.”
So what’s the deal with this MASKING of pain?
Do I want to appear strong?
Do I not want to worry my husband?
Do I not want my children to worry?
DO I want my children to look back on their childhood and think, “My mom was always so strong”?
What I do know is:
I want my children to know their mother experiences a full range of emotion: joy, pain, sorrow, delight, disappointment and more.
I want my husband to know I am vulnerable. I am not superwoman. But I also don’t want to hear him ‘lecture’ me on sitting down for a minute because really these clothes aren’t going to hang themselves and the children are busy completing their routine chores.
Week before last I led a teaching on being Authentically Me. My Women’s Group is reading Priscilla Shirer’s The Resolution for Women. This book has been a tremendous blessing thus far and I highly recommend it. In this particular chapter she talks about freeing yourself to be the fearfully, wonderfully made creation you were made to be. She addresses how we can fall into the trap of defining ourselves by worldly standards. I had done some soul searching and swept my mental and spiritual house clean. Or so I thought.
Standing in that closet, attempting to hang that shirt, hiding the agony on my face as I fought to hold back the tears showed me that I indeed have some work to do in being Authentically Me. And isn’t that like God. He brings you into the knowledge of His truth. Then He gives you an opportunity to see where it applies in your life then follows that up with an opportunity to address it.
I thank Him for leading me into His truth. I thank Him for giving me the strength to be okay with acknowledging my pain.
I walked away from that closet to share this truth with you.
If my children ask me why my face is contorted, I will tell them.
When my husband gets home I will tell him because really I need him to give me a massage.
So while I’ve accepted and embrace that I’m unique, value myself & my contributions and know my self-worth, I also acknowledge today that I am vulnerable. I’m not always STRONG.
Yes I am weak.
In today’s vernacular, that has come to mean something else. When one says, “I’m weak” it means very funny, hysterical, quite entertaining”. That is NOT how I’m using it here. I.AM.WEAK. At times devoid of strength.
And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Just recently a friend was mentioning to me that she “Had to be strong”. I asked her, “Who told you that? Why do you feel you have to be strong all the time?”
What if we’re not feeling strong?
Is that ok?
Well, that statement came crashing back at me as I was confronted with my own weakness. Now I can say to myself, in MY weakness HIS strength is made perfect.
This also reminds me I have to be diligent in finding a new chiropractor. I believe this could have possibly been avoided. I had been under chiropractic care but when he stopped accepting my insurance, I stopped going. And just recently I wrote about the importance of being in alignment (click here to read). We must be just as diligent in caring for ourselves as we are about caring for others.
Much to my dismay, I think I’ll have to resort to taking some ibuprofen. I don’t like taking over the counter medicine. I prefer natural remedies but the pain is excruciating. Darling hubs will apply the Tiger Balm and prayerfully, I’ll be all right.
In my weakness, I am strong.
As always, it is my prayer that you’ve been Inspired To Live Fully!
[…] I invite you to join me in clinging fiercely to the Father. From this place you don’t have to worry about perfection but will be the recipient of his unmerited favor. Do you ever feel unqualified, inadequate, weak or incapable? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I wonder if all my efforts will pay off. But the wondering is usually a trick of the enemy. When he sees a crack in your finish, he attempts to seep his poison in. He’ll try to play on your weaknesses and parenting is an area in life where we can feel the most weak. […]
[…] Truth be told, I am vulnerable. I do get tired. I do lose my cool. I have my kryptonite. […]
So hard, isn’t it!! I read in the Jesus Calling devotional about how God gives us the “gift of vulnerability” – or weakness. Because, we must cling to Him and stay close to Him, our own life source and hope. That concept has stuck with me every time I try to mask my weakness and fake my strength. You are right – in our weakness, He is strong! God bless you for your courage to admit your weakness before Him.
Thank you for linking up at Front Porch Inspired this week! 🙂
Anne
Anne,
Thanks for your encouragement and support as I embrace my weaknesses. Even today I had an opportunity to candidly share some of my vulnerabilities at my women’s group meeting. And it was quite refreshing.
Oh, yes, I’ve been there with a nagging shoulder pain of my own. God often uses the physical to teach me about the spiritual. I’m glad to be your neighbor at Front Porch Conversations. 🙂
Tyra, I’m so glad that you shared this! “In our weakness HIS strength is made perfect!” <— How beautiful is the reality of that truth?! I am in awe that I get to live my life in that amazing promise. Wow!
I'm praying for you! Love you and blessings to you always! 🙂
I hope you are feeling better today, Tyra! You are so right to let your children know you hurt sometimes too, my friend. I always tried to be so strong for my kids too. I finally realized by showing them my weaknesses, they are able to show theirs as well. We all struggle and kids need to realize this is normal and we can turn to God for help. He will answer, just not always in our timing :)!
Yes Candace! And when they see our vulnerability, I think it also sensitizes them to be more compassionate toward others. It also provides teachable moments for caring, empathy, serving and more. Sweet friend day by day he reveals and when we are obedient, He can do a quick work.
Oh I am so sorry you were in so much pain…but so happy you discovered the key to authenticity. It’s hard to say we are anything but strong. But really, we are weak without him. Thanks for this encouraging, transparent post!!
Deanna,
Thank you for your encouragement. Indeed we are weak without him. And in our weakness we can LEAN INTO HIM and be protected, comforted and held securely in His embrace. And that’s right where I want to be.
YAY Tyra! You and I seem a lot alike! I would so try to be the power momma – until the day I explode. You know, when I read the title of your post, I immediately thought, “there is power in saying, ‘I am weak’.” There just is. Because, just as you said, we can let Jesus step in and make us strong. Amen! Cheering you! I love you and I haven’t even met you! Thank you for joining the #RaRalinkup on Purposeful Faith; you make me jump for joy when I read your words.
Kelly,
Yup, had to write that title, undressed, fully exposed. No dressing it up. I’ve got a big book over here on writing captivating blog titles. Occasionally I use it. But you know…when the Lord is revealing truth, we don’t need to ‘add’ anything to it. And you’re right, it was liberating. Scaring at 1st for opening myself up. But I know how we overcome by the blood and the word of the testimony so I will candidly share as He leads. This is new terrain for me (blogging and vulnerability) so I greatly appreciate having YOU alongside me on the journey. So happy to have joined the #RaRaLinkUp
Visiting you today via #RaRaLinkup
Corinthians 12:9-10 is one of my favorite passages. This blog post drove that message home beautifully, Tyra. We all have days where we feel like we have to put on a facade. I can identify with it being an area the enemy uses to attack. You are a strong woman and brave for writing so transparently. Thank you for your encouragement today!
Tina thanks for coming over. Yes we do sometimes feel like we just ‘have’ to put on the facade but glory be to God that He is freeing us from that. I remember a few years ago when I would put on the “Tyra voice” I call it when someone would call me in the evening. Well, I am quite the morning person and after 7pm I really go down hill fast in terms of energy so my night voice sounds nothing like my day voice. So I would “put on” my day voice if someone (esp someone from church) called me in the evening. I felt I ‘had’ to be chipper and perky even though I am not after 7. Well, today if you call me after 7, you get my night voice, devoid of the usually cheer and energy. My oneword365 is courage so thank you for encouraging me as I walk that out.
I am so glad that you are learning to live more authentically in your life and your walk with the Lord, as well as your precious family. Praise the Lord for do over moments and those “aha” moments where we finally “get it!” Hope your shoulder/back feels better! 🙂
Nicki thank you and I am feeling a bit better. I too am glad that I’m learning what true authenticity is as the Lord continues peeling back the layers to reveal the true me. I’m grateful He’s gracious to me through the process. Thank you for stopping by and I pray you have been INSPIRED.