Cover up
Hide
Mask
The shame.
The regret.
I had layered the shame beneath rock, sand, clay and topsoil then topped all that off with a bed of leaves. And can one ever really cover up? Trying to put a fig leaf on to cover shame actually makes one stand out all the more. In fact some of the decisions that I’ve regretted have been buried so deep, I had actually forgotten about them. While my conscious mind had forgotten about them, the harboring still lingers in the subconscious thus affects the mind, body and spirit.
Shame can be described as feelings of guilt, regret or sadness because you feel you’ve done something wrong. On occasion I tell myself you’re a failure for:
~Not doing better in college. Academically I’ve always had the ability to excel but there were times I didn’t live up to my potential. When I look at my college transcript I am so grieved by it. It’s got a load of A’s…then it’s also got D’s. Even after being out of college for many years, looking at it grieves me.
~Not living up to expectations. “The next Little Oprah” “Most Promising New Comer To The Field of Public Relations” Oh the promise…But what’s been the outcome?
~Entertaining mindless relationships with guys while in college. My father taught me better. Why didn’t I listen?
~Wasting time chastising my children when I know the days are short and I ought to embrace the now moment.
Then turning this shame over in my head leads to regret and causes unfruitful self-talk.
~If you had done better in college you would have gotten a better job, making more money and your family would be better off today.
~You’re a failure. You could have become someone great, someone with influence, making an impact in the world but you’re not.
~As a parent, are you ever gonna get it right?
STOP!
Put on the mind of Christ.
I am currently on The Surrender Fast (click here for details) and last week I was challenged to surrender regret so that I can move forward. I was given specific suggestions for how to uncover hidden regret. So I commenced to mining the field of my heart.
Let me tell you, when you go digging, you are bound to find something. But in the digging and turning over of hardened ground, the process is not easy. Your shovel may hit hardened earth, boulders and more. But I resolved to keep digging, keep mining. Layer by layer I began to EXPOSE the regrets, EXPOSE the shame.
Light permeates the dark.
After the shame and regret were unearthed, they were washed in the light of His word. I am a blood washed child of God and have been cleansed and healed.
Bless the Lord, O my soul;
And all that is within me, bless His holy name!
Bless the Lord, O my soul,
And forget not all His benefits:
Who forgives all your iniquities,
Who heals all your diseases,
Who redeems your life from destruction,
Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,
Who satisfies your mouth with good things,
So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.
Psalm 103:1-5
No need for regret because I am not ashamed.
I sought the Lord, and He heard me,
And delivered me from all my fears.
They looked to Him and were radiant,
And their faces were not ashamed. Psalm 34:4-5
It’s not like God couldn’t see my shame and regret all the while, He was just waiting for me to acknowledge it then uncover it so He could heal me.
Part of the uncovering required me to confess to another person. My most immediate thought was, okay I can do that. But when I began to actually consider what I would say and how much I’d have to disclose and began thinking what the other person would think about me, I nearly talked myself out of it. But God has a way of giving confirmation.
I was sitting in a meeting next to someone and the very issue I wanted to confess was one she spoke about quite passionately that night. Each word she uttered was a nudge for me to uncover. In the same week 3 different bloggers I follow were ALL talking about shame. And one of them was so transparent in disclosing her shame that her courage emboldened me to do the same.
It was a painful week fraught with many emotions but glory be to God in the highest. After I uncovered, the spirit of God shone brightly on those dark recesses of my heart. My mind, body and spirit were renewed and I’m dancing and singing:
“Freedom, Freedom, Freedom, Freedom
No more shackles,
No more chains,
No more bondage,
I’m free….YEAH!
Hallelujah!”
I have been washed. I have been cleansed. The blood of Jesus presents me without spot or wrinkle. I feel lighter to continuing pressing toward the mark for the prize of the high calling.
What do you need to dig up and uncover so that you can move forward uninhibited?
Do you play the tape in your head of what you could have, would have or should have done?
Are you willing to uncover?
Feel free to share in this sacred space so that I can join you in prayer. God is compassionate and will subdue your iniquities. Walk in your healing and freedom today.
As always, it is my prayer that you’ve been Inspired To Live Fully!
Happy to connect with friends @ Purposeful Faith Titus 2sDay Dance With Jesus Equipping Godly Women