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Beauty In The Ugly Cry

Most days I don’t wear makeup. But Sundays are special to me. My Sabbath days finds me with extra family time without the hustle of the school week. I like dressing up for church even though my church is a “Come As You Are” type of place.

Sunday is the one day this busy mama of 6 takes time to put on more than Eos on her lips. So Sunday dress up and make up put a little extra pep in my #momlife step and I feel good about me as I eagerly head out for a time of corporate worship.

But not today. As I was getting ready for church today I had this feeling.

I took out my makeup bag

Sat on my bathroom sink

And said to myself….

“Girl, don’t even bother. TODAY you’re gonna do the ugly cry.”

And it’s not like this had really come on me all of a sudden. Since before Valentine’s Day I’ve been suppressing it. Like Atlas trying to hold up the sky, I had been buckling under the weight of the issues of life.

We’re supposed to be STRONG they say. You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you they say. But I also know that the Word says when I am weak, His strength is made perfect. And I was weak.

But I tried to be strong. Be strong for my spouse, strong for the women I minister to, strong for my children, strong for my friends, strong for my Dad.

It came to my attention that I was suppressing it when I found myself standing over the kitchen sink washing dishes (side note: I happened to do a video a few weeks ago called My Washing is My Worship). Something about washing dishes causes a stirring in my spirit. So I’m washing and I feel it welling. It’s coming up…up. When it gets to my breastbone, I force it back down as I look over and see my children.

“Should I let them see me cry?”

“I don’t want them to worry.”

“Will they call my husband and then he’ll be worried?”

Stuff the tears. Force them back down. Make everybody think everything is okay because you are ok right?

Well, maybe not. [bctt tweet=”Is it okay to not be okay? Will we grant ourselves permission to feel pain, to grieve, to lament?” username=”inspiredfully”] Because there is a season for everything under the heavens right?

I was reminded of a teaching I had done just 2 weeks ago and the title was “Permission Granted”.

So I granted myself permission for the ugly cry. No makeup on I headed into the sanctuary at church with an open heart. I presented myself before God as the WHOLE me. The whole me including the broken me. Not just the me that dresses up and puts on makeup but also the me whose arms get tired. The me whose patience runs out. The me who has come to the end of herself and come to the beginning of the resurrection POWER.

And when the choir proceeded to sing one of my new favorite songs, I was completely UNDONE. Feel free to picture the most hilarious ugly cry GIF you can think of here. Go ahead and laugh ’cause I’m laughing with you. If someone turned my cry today into a GIF I wouldn’t even be mad because it was a classic.

That cry was CLEANSING, CATHARTIC and FREEING.

So what does the Word say about crying?

“You number my wanderings; put my tears into Your bottle…” Psalm 56:8

“Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble and he delivered them from their distress,” Psalm 107:6

“Jesus wept,” John 11:35

There is beauty in the UGLY CRY my friends. I pray you too grant yourself permission to pour your heart to before the Father. Grant yourself permission to be vulnerable. Should it happen while in the arms of a loving friend, in the arms of your spouse, alone in your prayer closet, at a worship service or over your kitchen sink with the children looking on, you will not only cleanse your heart but it can show others what healthy expression of emotions looks like.

When is the last time you had an ugly cry? Are you due for one? If yes, permission granted because there is beauty in the ugly cry.

As always it is my prayer that you’ve been Inspired To Live Fully!

Happy to join these friends sharing the Good News Mommy Moments, Purposeful Faith, Chasing Community,  Grace & Truth

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The Release Of The Spirit

At the grocery store checkout through a pack of gum?!

It’s amazing the ways God chooses to speak to His people. So yes, God did communicated a powerful truth through a pack of gum. And it’s not the 1st time He’s spoken to me in an unusual fashion. He’s spoken to me by vigorously waving tree branches on a still windless day. I’ve even heard His booming voice from heaven audibly call my name. And that happened while I was new in the faith so it was quite unnerving.

 

On my weekly trip to the grocery store, as I stood in the checkout line I glanced over at the gum, My eyes landed right on Mentos Pure Fresh. Mentos Pure Fresh Gum has three layers.   A hard candy outer shell, a chewy, gummy layers then a cool liquid center. And you and I are like the Mentos gum. We are three layered persons. Our hard shell represents our outer most physical body, the gum layer being our mind, will and emotions and the center our spirit. To release the liquid center of the gum, we must get through two tough layers. And the same can be said for releasing our spirit. Let’s journey through the layers.

 

HARD SHELL

Oh how we long to satisfy the desires of the flesh.

 

When angry, we want to holler or play the power move of being passive aggressive.

 

When hurt or sad we may turn to food or other external sources for comfort.

 

That hard outer shell of the gum, the tough, rebellious outer layer of our person, the flesh, MUST crucify its longings to get to the next layer. That outer shell like the outer shell of an M&M can be cracked. Will we embrace being cracked? Do we see the value and benefit of being broken before God?

 

Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. John 12:24

 

CHEWY GUM

When the flesh and its longings have been bought under subjection, we can then reach the next layer of ourselves and that is our mind, will and emotions. And like chewing gum, they are malleable. Just like our teeth and tongue crush, squeeze, fold and turn gum, God takes our mind, will and emotions and turns and squeezes them so that are bought to the obedience of Christ.

 

Therefore do not lose heart, even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. 2 Corinthians 4:16

 

While there are many well meaning, good intentions we may have, unless they are in alignment with the will of the Lord, they are for naught. It is not OUR will but HIS will that must be done.

 

LIQUID CENTER

Now I find there are three camps people fall into when eating layered candies like M&M’s and this gum. Some lick each layer. Some nibble each layer. And the last just bite through the whole thing. Whatever the strategy, each layer is enjoyed yet the center holds the promise, like getting to the center of a Tootsie Pop lollipop.

 

It behooves us to remain aware and sensitive so that we don’t miss Him. Now every time I SEE the Mentos gum, think about the Mentos gum, or even smell minty gum, I am reminded that Jesus is the center and I have to remain centered in Him.

 

In the case of the Mentos, the outer layer seems to hold the most intense flavor. The mint is strong and fills the nostrils. The mint is cool yet fiery. And when eating the gum, one wants that minty outer layer to last forever. And we can be like that, wanting to satisfy our desires forever. But do you not know there is even more intense flavor inside waiting to be released? For the liquid center inside the gum is even more intense, even more pungent. And the same can be said for your spirit. Your spirit man is capable of producing MORE fruit than your flesh ever could.

 

And this is the work of the Lord. Day by day He puts us in situations where we will be challenged to crack the hard outer shell of our bodily desires, where we will have to stretch and squeeze the longings of our will so that our spirit man will be released to flow freely and fly right in line with the Lord.

 

This is His desire for you. This is His desire for me, that we would be broken before Him so that our spirits can commune with Him and with other like-minded spirits to expedite the work of building the Kingdom here on earth. This is truly living. Doing the work that we were purposed and placed here for from the beginning of time.

 

“It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing. The Words that I speak to you are spirit, and they are life.” John 6:63

 

Last year I asked the Lord to move my relationship with Him from my head to my heart. My head knows plenty about the Lord; I have memorized His word, I have seen His work, I have heard and continue to hear Him speak. The first two layers of ME know plenty about Him. Oh but I desire more than just head knowledge about Him. I long to know Him intimately. I long to commune with Him. I pine for the opportunity to hang out with Him and learn from Him. So He simply beckoned me to “COME!” And when I walked toward Him, the desires of my first two layers, my body and my will HAD to fall away. To sit with Him and hear from Him required me to respond. And to respond appropriately, obediently required me to deny myself so that my spirit could receive and act accordingly.

 

In his book The Release Of The Spirit, Watchman Nee says, “Our spirit is released according to the degree of our brokenness. The one who has accepted the most discipline is the one who can best serve. The more one is broken, the more sensitive he can be.” He goes on to say it is, “Through the Spirit’s discipline, that the outer man is broken. And, through the Spirit’s revelation, the powers of the outer man are completely divided from the spirit.”

 

Therefore, through disciplining ourselves and by divine revelation of the Holy Spirit, our inner man, our spirit man is released and is FREE.

 

In what ways are you being broken?

Can you see blessing in brokenness?

 

As always, it is my prayer that you’ve been Inspired To Live Fully!
Happy to connect with these friends spreading the Good News Purposeful Faith

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Are You Willing To Uncover?

Cover up

 

Hide

 

Mask

 

The shame.

 

The regret.

 

I had layered the shame beneath rock, sand, clay and topsoil then topped all that off with a bed of leaves. And can one ever really cover up? Trying to put a fig leaf on to cover shame actually makes one stand out all the more. In fact some of the decisions that I’ve regretted have been buried so deep, I had actually forgotten about them. While my conscious mind had forgotten about them, the harboring still lingers in the subconscious thus affects the mind, body and spirit.

 

Shame can be described as feelings of guilt, regret or sadness because you feel you’ve done something wrong. On occasion I tell myself you’re a failure for:

 

~Not doing better in college. Academically I’ve always had the ability to excel but there were times I didn’t live up to my potential. When I look at my college transcript I am so grieved by it. It’s got a load of A’s…then it’s also got D’s. Even after being out of college for many years, looking at it grieves me.

 

~Not living up to expectations. “The next Little Oprah” “Most Promising New Comer To The Field of Public Relations” Oh the promise…But what’s been the outcome?

 

~Entertaining mindless relationships with guys while in college. My father taught me better. Why didn’t I listen?

 

~Wasting time chastising my children when I know the days are short and I ought to embrace the now moment.

 

Then turning this shame over in my head leads to regret and causes unfruitful self-talk.

 

~If you had done better in college you would have gotten a better job, making more money and your family would be better off today.

 

~You’re a failure. You could have become someone great, someone with influence, making an impact in the world but you’re not.

 

~As a parent, are you ever gonna get it right?

 

STOP!

 

Put on the mind of Christ.

 

I am currently on The Surrender Fast (click here for details) and last week I was challenged to surrender regret so that I can move forward. I was given specific suggestions for how to uncover hidden regret. So I commenced to mining the field of my heart.

 

Let me tell you, when you go digging, you are bound to find something. But in the digging and turning over of hardened ground, the process is not easy. Your shovel may hit hardened earth, boulders and more. But I resolved to keep digging, keep mining. Layer by layer I began to EXPOSE the regrets, EXPOSE the shame.

 

Light permeates the dark.

 

After the shame and regret were unearthed, they were washed in the light of His word. I am a blood washed child of God and have been cleansed and healed.

 

Bless the Lord, O my soul;

And all that is within me, bless His holy name!

Bless the Lord, O my soul,

And forget not all His benefits:

Who forgives all your iniquities,

Who heals all your diseases,

Who redeems your life from destruction,

Who crowns you with lovingkindness and tender mercies,

Who satisfies your mouth with good things,

So that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

Psalm 103:1-5

 

No need for regret because I am not ashamed.

 

I sought the Lord, and He heard me,

And delivered me from all my fears.

They looked to Him and were radiant,

And their faces were not ashamed. Psalm 34:4-5

 

It’s not like God couldn’t see my shame and regret all the while, He was just waiting for me to acknowledge it then uncover it so He could heal me.

 

Part of the uncovering required me to confess to another person. My most immediate thought was, okay I can do that. But when I began to actually consider what I would say and how much I’d have to disclose and began thinking what the other person would think about me, I nearly talked myself out of it. But God has a way of giving confirmation.

 

I was sitting in a meeting next to someone and the very issue I wanted to confess was one she spoke about quite passionately that night. Each word she uttered was a nudge for me to uncover. In the same week 3 different bloggers I follow were ALL talking about shame. And one of them was so transparent in disclosing her shame that her courage emboldened me to do the same.

 

It was a painful week fraught with many emotions but glory be to God in the highest. After I uncovered, the spirit of God shone brightly on those dark recesses of my heart. My mind, body and spirit were renewed and I’m dancing and singing:

 

“Freedom, Freedom, Freedom, Freedom

No more shackles,

No more chains,

No more bondage,

I’m free….YEAH!

Hallelujah!”

 

I have been washed. I have been cleansed. The blood of Jesus presents me without spot or wrinkle. I feel lighter to continuing pressing toward the mark for the prize of the high calling.

 

What do you need to dig up and uncover so that you can move forward uninhibited?

Do you play the tape in your head of what you could have, would have or should have done?

Are you willing to uncover?

 

Feel free to share in this sacred space so that I can join you in prayer. God is compassionate and will subdue your iniquities. Walk in your healing and freedom today.

 

As always, it is my prayer that you’ve been Inspired To Live Fully!

 

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Happy to connect with friends @ Purposeful Faith Titus 2sDay Dance With Jesus Equipping Godly Women

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