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Into The Thick Of It

To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness in and health, to love, cherish and to honor til death do us part.

 

It’s easy to hold when your sex drive is high and your spouse is giving it up daily.

 

Everyone is happy when times are better, bills are paid and food is plentiful.

 

Richer days are appreciated when two incomes are flowing and income is steady.

 

When both parties are in good health, the world is theirs for the taking.

 

What then becomes of the marriage when the storms of life hit?

 

How do you feel about your spouse when you are into the thick of it?

 

The most immediate, fleshly reaction is to probably resist your spouse instead of fiercely clinging to them.

 

It’s difficult to hold when you know a spouse has been unfaithful.

 

It’s challenging when being married delivers more worse days than best and you are like two ships passing in the night.

 

The tension is palatable when accounts are overdrawn and credit cards are to their limits.

 

How do you cope with a spouse that is sick? The drug addicted or pornography addict spouse? The mental ill or the physical ill spouse?

 

When these times occur feelings of love can turn to hate and some may even consider to death do us part by their own hand.

 

If you’ve ever felt that way, can I get an amen?! If you feel this way right now just stick with me for a few more lines.

 

I would venture to say your spouse has probably had to deal with some of YOUR mess too.

 

[bctt tweet=”Maturity in marriage calls for one to relent. For another to repent. For one to say, “I’m sorry”.”]

 

For one to determine not to walk away. For one to forgive.

 

Thank GOD….

 

Our agape love for Christ enables us to do virtually the impossible.

 

When HIS love floods our hearts we are able to love those who have mistreated us, betrayed us, and berated us including our spouses.

 

I give thanks for the Holy Spirit’s guidance, teaching, direction and the power that supersedes the flesh. My husband works MOST of the time. He works 2 jobs, 7 days a week and has done so for 12 years now. Over the years I’ve prayed for family time today. Well last week he was off work so I had that family time that I so diligently prayed for….BUT….his presence interrupts “MY” flow. He asked the children to do tasks in the middle of homework time, he let them play video games on a school night (cringe), he’s made us leave out later in the morning, though we were still on time for school.

 

Yes I was all up in my feelings. Again, but GOD! The Holy Spirit bought my own prayers for family time back to my remembrance. So the flesh had to bow down while the spirit rejoiced and gave thanks for answered prayers.

 

When your prayers are answered, be ready to receive them.

 

This weekend I was in Marshall’s with my husband and children. At the checkout we had laughs with the cashier as she tried to understand how all these shabby chic wall collage items were going into a man cave. My husband left before me to load the children in the car and the cashier asked me,

 

“You really love him don’t you?”

 

To which I replied,

 

“Mmm, yes. That’s my MAN. I love him. I do. I do indeed”

 

My marriage has faced many days of the worse and it seemed that better wasn’t even on the horizon. With no examples of marriage, we came into our union reckless and unprepared. Based on what we’d seen growing up, our solution was to battle it out. We were two rams with locked horns. But we had to learn marriage and self-centeredness are incompatible.

 

[bctt tweet=”True love is not self-seeking. It gives and gives and gives some more.”]

 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

 

Happy to be running into the thick of it securely tied to MY MAN as we run life’s two legged race together.

 

[bctt tweet=”There is no more lovely, friendly and charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage. ~Martin Luther 1566″]

 

As always, it is my prayer that you’ve been Inspired To Life Fully!

 

Happy to connect with these friends sharing the Good News #LifeGivingLinkup, Purposeful Faith, #Grace&Truth, #DanceWithJesus

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Lost That Loving Feeling?

Flowers wilting, balloons losing air, candy’s been eaten and stores have Valentine’s items on clearance. Is your marriage reflective of the post-Valentine’s current situation?

What do you do when your marriage has lost that loving feeling, now it’s gone, gone, gone, whoo ooh?

 

Well, first grant yourself some grace and know that you are not alone. The happily ever after romanticized love we see on TV and in movies is just that…a fairy tale. Rest assured, the feeling of being ‘in love’ will wax and wane. I think many people come into marriage believing that the amorous feeling of being ‘in love’ will last always and when those feelings are gone, they think they can walk out of their marriages. I think married people, counselors, friends, pastors, whomever is giving advice needs to paint a more accurate picture of the cycles and rhythms of the marital union.

 

This is not to say that I am not madly in love with my husband. He is my hubs, my boo, my sunshine. The dude still brings a smile to my face when I think of him. He is fun, flirty, humorous, lively, and seeks to make me happy. I often visualize us at 70, walking hand and hand in white linen on the beaches of Bora Bora and Tahiti. In fact, today I love him far deeper than I did when we first got married. But there are days….I tell you, Mmm, when the lovely dovey feelings aren’t there. Maybe he’s gotten on my nerves or made a decision I don’t agree with. What do I do on those days? How do you believe in the union when you aren’t feeling it?

 

Well, I recognize that the loving feeling is a chemical reaction. Over time you get used to it and it dulls. Recent studies show that when people are falling in love the brain releases a cocktail of chemicals including dopamine and serotonin that stimulate the brain’s pleasure center. That same research also indicates that period is just a phase and generally lasts from one to three years. When that phase is over, then what? When Eros, romantic love ebbs, here is where we have an opportunity to demonstrate agape, unconditional, self-sacrificing love. For more on agape love click here and here.

 

It makes me think of these lyrics by Earth, Wind and Fire, “Something happened along the way, what used to be happy is sad.”

 

Eros can come and go but agape is here to stay.

 

When Eros ebbs, don’t anguish over it. Remember that it is indeed just a feeling. But TRUE LOVE runs deeper than feeling. TRUE LOVE is action, not just feeling. TRUE LOVE demands honesty, forgiveness, selflessness, maturity, compassion, trust, understanding, empathy and the yielding of rights.

 

Let us not love with words or speech, but with actions and in truth. 1 John 3:18

 

Marriage is something that is living and breathing and needs to be fed and watered daily. What happens to a plant when it is denied sunlight and water? It shrivels and dies. Even if the plant has sufficient sunlight and water, salt, fungus and bacteria can leech in and impact its health. When the issues of life: money, children, extended family, trust, hobbies and other issues distract or detract from the marriage, how do you keep it healthy and vibrant?

 

Brick by brick you erect a love that is built to last.

 

Intimacy

And I’m not just talking about physical intimacy here. Intimate face to face dialogue. Truly caring about what has happened throughout their day. By the time my husband gets home from work I am truly spent but I try to stay up and listen attentively as he shares what’s happened in his day. We also have short phone conversations and text throughout the day.  Physical touch is impact for us too. I find that it increases my amorous feelings for my husband. He is better at initiating this than I am. When I am cooking at the stove, he slow comes up behind me and places one arm around my waist. It is a small gesture but is filled with love and tenderness.

 

Personality

It is so vitally important to understand how your mate is wired. You need to KNOW what makes them tick, why they say the things they do and make the decisions they make. You can have a better grasp on this by knowing their personality type. For more on personalities, please visit Personality Expert, Karen Ward by clicking here.

 

Communication

Keep the lines open. Lend a listening ear. Create an environment safe for sharing by not making judgements, being critical and  doing half as much talking. We have two ears and one mouth for a reason. This is one area I have to be diligent in practicing as I am prone to JUMP IN when my husband is speaking. This principle is articulated so well in Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Seek first to understand then to be understood.

 

Love Language

I stated earlier that love is action. Dr. Gary Chapman has identified 5 ways in which we feel the love: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time and Physical Touch. My love language is acts of service. Run an errand for me, help me with the laundry, and I feel the love. Yet my husband likes to give me gifts. One time in fact, he was so happy to have purchased me a really nice gift.  He called and said, “Ooo, I got you something very special.”  I responded, “I hope you didn’t buy me something stupid like a Coach bag.”  Well, that was exactly what he had purchased.  OUCH!  It turned into a big argument.  He was just trying to make me happy and I had snatched all the wind out of his sail.  We’ve had to learn from each other and adapt in this area. It was a growing process but after 15 years of marriage, I think we’ve hit our stride there. For more on the 5 Love Languages, click here.

 

Commitment

You have to be resolved to go the distance. My husband has helped me to embrace this truth. I used to think marriage was filled with only blissful days (ok, I generally walk around with rose colored lenses). My husband would tell me, there are going to be hard times and when they come we will weather them together. And sure enough the hard days came. My first thought was, “Uh un, I don’t have to deal with this.” But my husband reminded me, I told you this was coming. He said, ” We are going to deal with it. You aren’t going anywhere. Now let’s figure it out together.” Praise God for his resolve.

 

Trustworthy

Are you sowing seeds of trust or distrust in your marriage? Are you lending even the slightest appearance of sketchy behavior? If something even gives the appearance of being shady, remove it. Have a baseline that’s agreed upon by both of you for what is healthy and permissible i.e. who should befriend/not friend on social media.

 

Forgiveness

You will both make mistakes. Do not deadbolt the door of your heart. Open it to forgive. Love forgives.

 

Maturity

Some days you may just want to have a temper tantrum. They did this, so I have a right to act like a brat. Waa-waa-waa. Not fair. Ok now! At least one of you has to take the high road of maturity. Feel like you are always the one taking the high road? Well you may be. That’s why you are with that one, because God knew you were capable of taking the high road. Someone has to do it. Why not you?

 

Surrender Your Rights

Love demands that you yield your rights; your right to be right, your right to have what you want, to say what you want, to do what you want. Even if you are indeed correct about a situation, there are times you will need to give up your right to BE RIGHT. True love is not puffed up so remove some leaven, be humble and back off your need to show that you are right.

 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

 

I pray that you make decisions on purpose that will positively contribute to the health and vitality of your marriage.  For my singles, carefully consider these sayings of mine and save them in the event you too join the ranks of us married folk.

 

As always, it is my prayer that you’ve been Inspired To Live Fully!

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Happy to connect with friends sharing the Good News #LifeGivingLinkup

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