Ahhh. Argh! I grimaced in pain as I lifted my arm attempting to carry out the most mundane task.
I had just spent nearly 2 hours ironing a week’s worth of clothes.
And the space between my shoulder blades is on fire. It literally feels like if I reach my hand back there for a touch, flames will lick my fingertips. There is a twisting and wrenching as if a giant turnkey has been thrust between my blades and a powerful hand is turning, turning, turning the crank to wind me up, stretching the muscles beyond reason, tearing flesh right from the bone.
In this intense pain, I continue to muscle through, intent on hanging the clothes.
You see, I have to get this work done.
I hide my face from my children because you see; I don’t want them to see me in pain.
I premeditate in my mind that when my husband returns from work, I will hide the pain from him too.
All the while it takes every fiber of my being to not break down in tears from the intense burn.
Walking away from the clothes, I look at the flames licking in my fireplace and think, “What a great portrait of what’s occurring in my back right now.”
So what’s the deal with this MASKING of pain?
Do I want to appear strong?
Do I not want to worry my husband?
Do I not want my children to worry?
DO I want my children to look back on their childhood and think, “My mom was always so strong”?
What I do know is:
I want my children to know their mother experiences a full range of emotion: joy, pain, sorrow, delight, disappointment and more.
I want my husband to know I am vulnerable. I am not superwoman. But I also don’t want to hear him ‘lecture’ me on sitting down for a minute because really these clothes aren’t going to hang themselves and the children are busy completing their routine chores.
Week before last I led a teaching on being Authentically Me. My Women’s Group is reading Priscilla Shirer’s The Resolution for Women. This book has been a tremendous blessing thus far and I highly recommend it. In this particular chapter she talks about freeing yourself to be the fearfully, wonderfully made creation you were made to be. She addresses how we can fall into the trap of defining ourselves by worldly standards. I had done some soul searching and swept my mental and spiritual house clean. Or so I thought.
Standing in that closet, attempting to hang that shirt, hiding the agony on my face as I fought to hold back the tears showed me that I indeed have some work to do in being Authentically Me. And isn’t that like God. He brings you into the knowledge of His truth. Then He gives you an opportunity to see where it applies in your life then follows that up with an opportunity to address it.
I thank Him for leading me into His truth. I thank Him for giving me the strength to be okay with acknowledging my pain.
I walked away from that closet to share this truth with you.
If my children ask me why my face is contorted, I will tell them.
When my husband gets home I will tell him because really I need him to give me a massage.
So while I’ve accepted and embrace that I’m unique, value myself & my contributions and know my self-worth, I also acknowledge today that I am vulnerable. I’m not always STRONG.
Yes I am weak.
In today’s vernacular, that has come to mean something else. When one says, “I’m weak” it means very funny, hysterical, quite entertaining”. That is NOT how I’m using it here. I.AM.WEAK. At times devoid of strength.
And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Just recently a friend was mentioning to me that she “Had to be strong”. I asked her, “Who told you that? Why do you feel you have to be strong all the time?”
What if we’re not feeling strong?
Is that ok?
Well, that statement came crashing back at me as I was confronted with my own weakness. Now I can say to myself, in MY weakness HIS strength is made perfect.
This also reminds me I have to be diligent in finding a new chiropractor. I believe this could have possibly been avoided. I had been under chiropractic care but when he stopped accepting my insurance, I stopped going. And just recently I wrote about the importance of being in alignment (click here to read). We must be just as diligent in caring for ourselves as we are about caring for others.
Much to my dismay, I think I’ll have to resort to taking some ibuprofen. I don’t like taking over the counter medicine. I prefer natural remedies but the pain is excruciating. Darling hubs will apply the Tiger Balm and prayerfully, I’ll be all right.
In my weakness, I am strong.
As always, it is my prayer that you’ve been Inspired To Live Fully!
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